| Random update. |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|06:12 pm] |
Today was the first day of my second semester.
Well, I haven't really completed it, for I still have a class at 7:20 that ends around 10:30.
That's PM in case you were wondering.
Yeah, I hate it, too.
It's a class called, "A Psychological Approach to English" and I'm fascinated already. I mean, it sucks that it's a 3 period class and super late at night, but it combines two great interests of mine, so I can't complain too much.
Today I also had "Drug use and Society" and "Magic and Spells".
Not kidding.
They're both upperclassmen level courses, 4000 and 3000 respectively, and expect only perfection. I initially wanted them as a fairly easy A where I get to learn about weird, fun things. Apparently, I'll have to bust my ass for the former, but still obtain the latter, so I'm fine with it. Magic and Spells revolves around the Occult, teaching about ancient religions and modern variations of it. Nothing to do with Harry Potter and such.
I'm also taking "Intro to Statistics", "Logic", and "Studies in Poetry", totaling to a full 18 credits. Not sure how I'm going to survive that. I might have to drop one, though it would kill me to have to choose. I took 17 credits last semester and didn't do as well as I think I could. I mean, I didn't do bad, I just didn't get the 3.5 I was hoping for.
Still undecided on a Major, as my classes might show.
Spent Winter break in Miami with my mom. Wasn't really expecting to stay at her house, but she got home at like 2am from her second job, so we didn't see each other much, which lead to a healthier relationship between us. I don't see myself going back down for Spring break, or at least not her house, anyway. Though the future changes with the wind, so I don't really know.
It was great to see some old friends again while I was down there.
I haven't the slightest clue where one of my roommates is, nor do I know how he's getting back to G'ville on account of his leaving his car here.
Did I just say, "on account of?"
So maybe being around Americans has changed me.
Weird observation: Americans say, "You're good" a lot.
Example, I block someone's path and move out of the way to let them through and say, "Sorry" to which they reply, "You're good."
Just kinda odd.
And they don't know what "Eating shit" means, though I think that's a literal translation of the common spanish term, "comiendo mierda"
I'm sure there's an accent mark somewhere in comiendo, but I don't care.
English Major, remember? [..Well, according to UF..]
I really love that I can see the season change and the leaves decorating the once fresh green grass. I love seeing the bare branches of the trees that once provided me shelter from the sun. The brown, orange, and yellow has sprinkled the campus with tranquil and humble beauty. It's so different and I love it.
I should find something to eat and start heading back to campus.
Night, kids. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2007|10:11 pm] |
Ok,
So since I've last updated I've:
Graduated High school
Been accepted into the University of Florida
Found my apartment in G'ville
Have decided to room with a dear friend (female)
Have been employed at Hallmark
Effectively ended a friendship
Been forced to declare a major (English)
'Chosen' my schedule
Have wasted more money than I've ever possessed in order to furnish my apartment
and a dozen other things I've:
Blocked out
Don't remember
Regret
Or just don't want to talk about.
Anyways, I love my apartment.
It comes fully furnished, with internet and cable, has security system, has buses running through it, and looks friendly.
It's 3/3 and with a balcony.
Oh and it also includes electricity, water, and waste.
All for $508 a month.
I'm very excited about finally leaving. I think it's going to be a great change of...well...everything.
I'm actually sadden to have to leave my job. I've met great people there that I wish I could take with me.
But in less then a month I'll start anew and I couldn't be happier.
I was forced to chose a major. I haven't the slightest idea as to what I plan to do with the rest of my life, so declaring a major is a big deal for me. But my arm was twisted and my life threatened, so I said the first thing that came to mind that remotely interests me.
I set up my schedule, but I haven't perfected it yet. So far I'm signed up for 17 credits. (I need 15 to keep my $15,110 scholarship, so I kind of went overboard)
It includes:
Human Sexuality and Culture
English 1102: Argument and Persuasion
Calculus 1
Political Philosophy
Physiological Psychology
And a Freshman orientation class.
The last one is also required for the scholarship.
I'm very angry that I had to be placed in an English 1102 class after passing both AP English Lit and AP English Language/composition.
But My hands are tied and I have to suck it up.
I'm also trying to switch Physiological Psych for Social Psych, so I'm crossing my fingers for that one.
And the Human Sexuality class is just there for fun. I picked that on a whim.
Hopefully the classes are diverse enough for me to realize I'm actually interesting in something.
Ok, fine. Short update. But I have things to prepare for.
Night, kids. |
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| Need somewhere to keep this for now |
[Feb. 18th, 2007|11:16 pm] |
I reached up to grab your shirt- 7
"Stand on your own" you said
Independance takes some hurt
I clawed for the bottle -6
"You'll eat later" you said
Diets for the little
I longed for your hugs-5
"Go back to sleep" you said
Some comforts need drugs
I needed love- 4
"I'm busy now" you said
Push came to shove
I got sick- 3
"What about me" you said
Karma trick
I cried-2
"Hush now, small one" you said
Hope dried
Killed- 1
"But I loved you" you said
Feared. |
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| Don't read |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|11:02 pm] |
Sorry, just need some place to put this to print at school. Hopefully they haven't blocked LJ. Anyways, don't read this, it's boring. It's for competition on Sat for NFL, we're argueing about Gambling. Public Forum. Ugh
W/e
Good day kids.
There have been a number of studies conducted by individual provinces to estimate
the prevalence of gambling problems within their respective borders. Baseline Market
Research Ltd. (1996a) used SOGS to determine that, in 1993, the lifetime prevalence
of problem gamblers in the adult population of Nova Scotia was 4.8 percent.
In 1996, using the same screen, 5.5 percent were classified as lifetime problem gamblers.
Other study findings showed that approximately four percent of Nova
Scotians have never participated in any gaming activity in their lifetime, eight percent
have not participated in any gaming in the past year (including four percent
that have never gambled), and 44 percent of the overall population participates in
at least one gambling activity on a regular weekly basis. Ferris, Stirpe, and Ialomiteanu
(1996) used SOGS to conclude that 80 percent of Ontarians have no gambling
problems, about 17 percent have between one and two problems, about two percent
have between three and four problems and may be considered “problem” or “potential
pathological” gamblers, and that two percent meet the criteria for likely
pathological gamblers.
A study by the Alberta Alcohol and Drug Abuse Commission (1999a) of 1,803 adult
Albertans showed that 87.6 percent gamble responsibly, seven percent do not gamble
at all, four percent experience problems with gambling, and 1.4 percent would be considered probable pathological gamblers. Of a sample of 972 adolescent Albertans
(12 to 17 years old), 33 percent were non-gamblers, 44 percent were non-problem
gamblers, 15 percent were considered to be “at risk,” and eight percent were considered
problem gamblers.
Table 11: Prevalence of lifetime level-3 gambling in Canada
Note: The estimated percentage is the mean of the 95 percent confidence interval.
Source: Shaffer, Hall, and Vander Bilt 1997: iii–iv.
Adults in general population 1.6%
Youth in the general population 3.88%
College students 4.67%
Adults in treatment 14.23%
Table 12: Prevalence of lifetime level-2 gambling
Adults in the general population 3.85%
Youth in the general population 9.45%
College students 9.28%
Adults in treatment
Table 13: Estimated number of past-year disordered
gamblers in Canada (%)
Adolescents Adults Both
Level 3 0.2% 0.3% 0.5%
Level 2 0.6% 0.6% 1.2%
Combined 0.8% 0.9% 1.7%
Based on criteria developed by the American Psychiatric Association, the National
Opinion Research Center (NORC) estimated that approximately 2.5 million adults
(0.8 percent) are pathological gamblers and 3 million adults (1.3 percent) are problem
gamblers. Furthermore, NORC identified approximately 15 million adults “at risk”
for problem gambling, 148 million adults who would be considered low-risk gamblers
and 29 million—or one in seven—who have never gambled. The National Research
Centre (NRC) of the National Academy of Sciences found results similar to
those of the NORC study. The NRC estimated the lifetime rate of pathological gambling
at 1.5 percent of the adult population, or approximately three million people.
In addition, in any given year 0.9 percent of all American adults (approximately 1.8
million people) meet the necessary criteria to be categorized as “past year pathological
gamblers.” The NRC estimated that another 3.9 percent of adults (7.8 million
people) meet the “lifetime” criteria for problem gambling, and that two percent (four
million) people meet “past year” criteria (NGISC 1999b).
Table 16: Comparing lifetime and past-year prevalence
rates of adult psychiatric disorders
Lifetime (%) Past-year (%)
Gambling Level 3 1.6 1.1
Anti-Social Personality 2.6 1.2
Obsessive Compulsive 2.6 1.7
Drug Abuse/Dependence 6.2 2.5
Major Depressive Episode 6.4 3.7
Generalised Anxiety 8.5 3.8
Alcohol Abuse/Dependence 13.8 6.3
Social Benefits:
If consumers are willing to purchase products and producers choose to provide it,
presumably they do so because there is a net benefit to both consumers and producers.
In Australia, the Productivity Commission (1999) estimates that the consumer
surplus for gambling is AUS$8 billion to 11 billion per year (1997/1998). However,
when adjusting the benefit to allow for the social costs accruing from problem gambling,
this amount is reduced to approximately AUS$5 billion to 6 billion per year.
An exploratory study by Sterling Research (1998a) employed a series of focus
groups to examine Nova Scotia’s gaming industry. Among the focus group participants,
entertainment was the most prevalent reason for gambling, followed by socializing.
Those who frequented bingo halls and casinos believed that mingling was
an important reason for participating in this form of gaming. The following were
considered benefits to the family unit: diversions from daily pressures, family entertainment,
and the maintenance of family relationships. Participants suggested
that their work also benefits from gaming, because employees who participate in
gaming find relief from their work routine, experience stress reduction, and an increase
in group solidarity.
Casino gaming is particularly attractive to many individuals because it is conducted
in a self-contained environment, different from other social outlets. As Thompson
(1994) suggests, casinos provide self-contained, crowded, party-like environments
clearly separate from ordinary day-to-day activities where people can meet, socialize,
and play. In general, the ambiance is more formal and business-like than taverns
or lounges, and a dress code may apply (MPM Gaming Research 1998). Casino gambling
also tends to attract occasional players who visit casinos periodically for entertainment
and excitement. For others, casino gaming relieves tensions brought on by
the stress from everyday life, as regular attendees view the social world of the casino
as a familiar place where they can feel at home. Rosecrance argues that such a perspective
follows the sociological model of Tomatsu Shibutani, who described the security
of social worlds in a manner that may be applicable to casino gaming: “Each
is an arena in which there is some structure which permits reasonable anticipation of
the behavior of others, hence an arena in which one may act with a sense of security
and confidence” (Rosecrance 1998: 82).
Within the gaming arena, there are opportunities for gamblers to gain both selfesteem
and public esteem, although they may be losing money. Through gambling,
participants gain an opportunity to test their skill in games of chance and to derive
intrinsic pleasure from the thrill of the activity itself. One of gambling’s main
attractions appears to be the entertainment value of the activity involved. As Erving
Goffman explained:
For many years, gambling has benefited society in the form of charitable gaming.
Overall, it appears that a society is more tolerant and accepting of gaming when it is
for the benefit of a popular social cause. Why is participation in charitable gaming so
popular? According to Douglas (1995), charitable gaming provides consumers with
a “win-win” situation. Not only do participants have an opportunity to partake in a
gaming activity, they also gain the potential to win a sum of money or prize while
being assured that they are supporting a worthwhile cause.
LOTTO
Free will over tyrants |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|10:06 pm] |
Well, I guess yesterday deserves some recognition in this thing.
Lets start with the basics of what happened.
At around 12:45 yesterday my school went on Code red where the school was on lock down. Code red means we all lock the doors, shut off the lights, and be very quiet untill told otherwise.
Situation: Apparently a man robbed a truck driver a few blocks away from the school and ran tried to run away. As a short cut, he decided to dart through the school, armed, and escape. A security guard caught the man running on video and soon after had the school on lock down.
Events (in my class): I was in 6th period Cooking with a substitute. Once the order was placed, the lights went off and we all sat in silence, contemplating what was happening. Unfortunately, since it was a sub, we didn't have the keys to lock the door, so one of them remained unlocked. After about 20 minutes like this, a secutiy guard walks in and announces that she will remain with us throughout the rest of the day. (Our security guards are obese, so I take it this room is a haven that they gravitate to). She briefs us on what happened and tells us to go to a far side of the room and stay seated. As the day progresses people become uneasy, nervous, and with a dire need to urinate. We constantly posted on what happens because of the securitys walky-talky. People are becoming ants and annoying, but it's all understandable. Police men carrying big guns and armed with riot gear raid my class twice looking for the perp, making sure we're safe and all that jazz. People couldn't hold their bladders anymore and were forced to urinate inside of the trashcan. Tension rose, but we tried to maintain out cool. At about 4:15 we were let out of the school in a single file line in complete silence and let out into the street to meet our parents.
Events (Me): I thought the whole situation was somewhat thrilling. I know the possible consequences that could have risen from having an armed man in our campus, but since nothing severe happened I thought it was a unique experience. Nothing like I've ever been through. The people around me in my class were very anxious, understandably, but it really got on my nerves. I'm more of the calm, quite type so everyone's jitty attitude irked me. Since I have the bladder the size of my head and I wasn't tooo nervous, I felt no need to go to the bathroom. I felt quite conforted by the fact that we were constantly posted about what happened. I'd rather know exactly what's happening then let my imagination go wild.
I made the decision not to call my mom while I was in lockdown. I didn't want to worry her, and besides the situation was far out of her control. She could have literally done NOTHING but worry. I wanted to spare her from that. I called her when I got home at 6 and she was livid when she found out. Oh, well.
Apparently some are pleased by the juvial manner in which some students are taking this situation, citing the many possibilites that may have occured. I think it's quite neccessary from certain people to joke around about such a high tension situation to releave the tension and stress.
On a more random note, the day wasn't a complete waste. Celebrated a birthday with a someone and went to McDonnals after the whole ordeal.
Anyways, I have too much homework to dedicate any more time to this right now. I hope to write more later.
'Till then, goodbye, kids. |
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| Uhh, what? |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|01:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | BEP- Pump it | ] |
I'm so percrastinating on doing my work for english. And I don't care.
First off, you guys read far too much into what I say. Half of the things I put in here are completely ambiguous and not steered at any certain point. And while it may sometimes be implied that I had a bad day in my entrys, that is not always so. My views are just jaded, and that's more independent from my daily life than I can really believe. Please don't assume.
Second, I could care less what you people think. Now this isn't meant to sound cruel or mean or that I don't care about you, but really what people tell me goes in one ear and out the other. You won't make a difference in me. Advice is usually futile. (Though I'm not above advice, I welcome it. I just usually won't listen to it.
Now the post.
Why the hell do people tell me things? Is "Hello, how was your day? Please tell me your life story!" Tatooed on my forhead? People insist on coming up to me and bombarding with CRAP that I could care less about. Just now while taking out the trash I let my dog out but quickly put her back in as a neighbor was near by. He proceeded me into telling a whole life story about his 22 year old dog. I don't care. I know you want to be friendly, but my facial expressions don't show that I want to be your friend. Please, just kill yourself.
This is a very common occurance amounst many people around me. What's a nice way to say "get the fuck out of my face before I rip your eyes out with your nails?"
Breaking up with friends suck. No further on this. Not in the mood.
I'm quite hyper. And very bouncy.
Pump it, LOUDER. Blast the stereo, right now.
Black Eyed Peas.
School is hectic and so is college applications.
Ugh
anyone want to shoot me? I'm more than up for it!
They had a memorial for this girl at my school who died over the summer because she got into a car with a drunk guy. I didn't attend, but I'm told that her ashes where brought to the memorial. HOW MORBID.
It turned out to be a "Don't get into a car with a drunk driver" type thing while they exploited a girls death.
Go CP, GO!
I've been sick. Fever, soar throat, the works.
I want to dance.
Halloween Horror nights was fun. Got scared here and there. Great experience. Loved the Mummy. First time at Universal, too. Drive there and back where a drag but the time there was fun.
This is a pointless post, but it's wasting time...
Why am I taking AP Physics B, again? I hate it!
I don't. I just really don't like it. Not my style.
But I'm doing well in Calc.
Really can't complain about my grades (except the B in cooking. My one slack class!)
Blah blah
Bye children |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|03:03 am] |
HE WON! I'M SO HAPPY!
I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THAT HE WON!
Jeffrey Won Project Runway. I LOVE HIM AND HIS CLOTH, but realistically I just didn't think they would let him win because of his edgyness and "attitude". I'm glad they gave it to him, he deserved it!
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2006|11:16 pm] |
"The shops they are all opening in that narrow hall way of down town
Filled with people who are shopping for their lovers and their friends
So they won't ever be lonely again."
-BE
People are very involved with pleasing others because they feel the happier those around them are, they happier they are. we are dependent on how otehrs feel to determine how we feel. We even go out of our way to avoid conflict with those close to us because if our friends are upset, (for some crazed reason) we "will be" too.
It's cute to think that.
And so stupid.
I don't think I'm so dependent on others that I must take into regard their happiness before my own. I know that my actions have consequences, yet I go through with them for a reason. And if that means some hard times for you, well suck it up. I don't like to attatch myself to people because I find it the equivalent to tieing myself to a flimsy tree in the middle of a hurricane, I'm sure to suffer and they are sure to fly away. (Leave it to a Floridian to allude to a hurricane..)
Sometimes I make decisions that hurt me. I know the risks I run when I do things, and sometimes it's worth getting hurt over. But it doesn't make the pain any less difficult to live with. I'm glad I can forsee my consequences accurately enough, though.
I've noticed I've never received a romantic action. I consider myself to be rather romantic, and love thoughtful things, which is why I always go ahead and do so for others (when I so please). I've never had it done for me though. I had a daydream about the possibility of something nice happening to me today, of course it was to extraordinary to come true. You really can't miss what you don't have.
Fuck that, sure I can.
My muffins fucking rock. (No, that is not a metaphor. They just do)
I hate being the cause of my unhapiness.
Fuck that, I hate being unhappy.
For the record, I'm not a whore. I know what I do and why I do it. I just happen to be more permiscuous than most. (this was mostly for my record purposes, nothing actually contributing to anything in specific)
Every breath I take is a planned course of action. NOTHING I do is without a reason.
Well, I do make mistakes occassionally.
I think I'm wasting this year away. And I can't say I care.
And when I say goodbye to my friends, I'll turn around and forget they where ever there.
And I know in time I'll regret it. And the feelings will eventually catch up to me.
But that's just part of my plan.
If I go through another day of school and not learn anything I'll kill the next teacher I see.
Well, I can't complain to much. I learned to make muffins....
Have a go....
You know what?
No. Don't have a good day.
Have a mother fucking crappy day.
You deserve one every once and a while.
Don't like it?
Oh, well.
Bite me.
Late, kids. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2006|05:23 pm] |
Me- "I'm Hispanic"
Random girl- "No way! I don't believe you"
Me- "Yeah, that's the type of thing I lie about...."
Her- "Well, You lied about syphilis!"
Debate competition was fun!
I told a room full of strangers I had syphilis to prove a point.
My bill got passed.
My friends and I made new identities for ourselves. We pretended to be White Americans. I was from Ohio and here for a Magnet program.
We did a great job intimidating people.
Great experience.
Americans are tall....
Bye, kids. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2006|05:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Three day's grace- "Animal I've become" | ] |
I understand why some people refuse to to accept what's directly infront of them. I mean, why would they?
Oh wait, I don't.
I don't understand why it's so difficult to just let some things go, just accept the reasons place infront of you no matter how much they might just defy your logic.
How self centered does one have to be to dismiss anothers persons logic and reasons because they don't agree. People aren't conviniently placed on this world do certify and solidify others assumptions. People are not here to tell you you're correct. Humars are here for themselves, not others. So when someone gives a reason why they do things, those reasons aren't meant to satisfy the masses. If those reasons defy others logic, then so be it.
Get over yourselves.
I understand that most people think their so much superior to everyone else and that they think they can see past others excuses and want to find the deeper meaning. It's pride and a superiority complex.
Everyone is so bright.
No matter how many times they ignore what's so obvious.
Everyone is so intuitive,
No matter how much they ignore pleades for help.
Everyone is so caring
No matter how much they walk right past a problem.
I don't mind letting others think they're so high and mighty. I mean, why knock down an innocent high horse?
But the horse seems less and less innocent when it trys to run you over time and time again.
And eventually, actions must be taking.
The horse's blood will spill.
Innocence will be shattered.
And ties and bonds will be unknoted.
That's perfectly ok. As long as one knows what their doing, everything is justafiable.
Here's where I would end this journal mentioning that I'm off to get ready for my homecoming.
Instead here is where I end it saying I'm off to rot somewhere.
Horray!
Have fun, kids. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2006|08:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  envious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | SOAD- Metro | ] |
Sometimes you forget where you stand in the world and, in pure blindness, step out of the box you've so become accustom to.
Even the most outgoing and secure people have their comfort zone they wish not to step out of, only that they can hide it better.
I like where I stand. I think it's a decent place. Or so I delude myself into thinking. But sometimes I become to audacious for my own good, which usually results in bad consequences.
I've recently forgot where it was I stood. I stepped out thinking I was something I was not. I overestimated myself, again. And it sucked. I just recieved a reality slap and rudely placed where it is I belong.
I can't say I've ever had a problem with other people, after all I'm rather charismatic and charming (when I want to be) and most people find my sarcasm and witt humorous. I do.
And I realize that my personality might come off a little strong to some, which is why I steer away from certain people, already predicting their reaction to my doings. And I don't think I've ever been wrong. In fact, I haven't.
This has very little to do with how I'm feeling, but I though it important to note that being content with where you are isn't always the worse of things. Change sucks.
For thinking I'm different I've thus been shocked to reality.
Never overestimate yourself.
Damn insecurities.
On a completely off note, Saturday went very pleasant (despite some people's choice of dates). I thuroughly enjoyed the beach and all it had to offer that late night. The waves were rather large, the thunder lit the far off ocean, and the city danced in the night. I felt it too good to be true at times, expecting the cameras of the TV show come out at any moment, a director yelling cut and janitors sweeping away fake sand.
OK, Taverna OPA can Kiss my ass.
Good night, kids.
Can you believe it? I'm homework lite tonight! I'll celebrate with well deserved sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|10:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | David grey: "Superman" | ] |
People are arrogant.
They're full of themselves.
I don't mean this towards anyone, or to insult anyone, or even to make a point about people in general. I think it's innate in us all to want to like ourselves. And when something good happens to us, espcecially when it's uncommon, you feel the need to tell someone. We all feel that. Hell, even when bad things happen you want to tell someone just so you can have something to talk about.
We love to talk. We love communication. Especially when what you're talking about is yourself. We all need that spot light sometimes. I think that makes us normal.
But sometimes that need to voice yourself is silenced. And when you silence it for too long, then it's hard to ever speak up again. So now we have two types of people: Those who always talk about themselves, and those who sit there and listen. Fundamentally, they're both the same person. (This is in general, I know there are outstanding circumstances)
You can tell when someone is has low self confidence when you try to think about the persons life and find that you really don't know much about them.Not because you never took the time to ask( though that might very well be a big factor) but because they are usually the one to sit back and listen.
I can't say that I hate listening. I actually have grown to find comfort in hearing other people talk. In some situations I find myself speechless (Imagine that!) and need to hear other people talk to calm myself down a little. I don't have many opportunities to really talk about myself or how I'm feeling, so I don't think I miss it as much as I would had I that option my whole life.
Can you honestly name a friend and know how they're feeling, what's going on in their head?
I don't care what people have to say. I don't.
You know how you read in a book about someone going in off into the woods or going through many different spiritual rituals just to find themselves? Like Siddhartha or Jane in Their eyes where watching God. That doesn't sound like a bad idea. The only problem it's that those type of adventures aren't realistic. They don't fit well in societies plans for the youth. There's no time for spiritual enlightment amist all the standards we are to meet. So what do we do? Multitask. It's not like we should take one thing at a time, right? I mean, that would make too much sense.
I'm reconsidering College. Or at least considering a break before it. I know the massive repercussions that might arise from such a decision, but I think it's important for my well being to do so.
It sucks knowing I have a bright future that I really don't want to meet.
My interests are slowly deminishing. I can only name 3 things that give me pleasure anymore.
Things need to be reevaluated.
I need to have fun.
I need to go to h/w now. For 7 out of my 8 classes. Labor day my fucking ass.
Late, kids. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|04:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit.
And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated
What’s so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
Because this song is amazing.
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|03:46 pm] |
A hurricane? Here? NO!
Shocker...
I've been filled with homework, so why not a break?
I'm sure we all hate problems. I mean, who wakes up in the morning and goes, "Golly, gee! I sure hope to get into some trouble today!"
Not many, I hope.
But when miscommunitation is the source of these problems, that it especially irks me. It just seems so avoidable, but then so imminent at the same time. Contradicting, I know, but necessary.
Theres only so much you can express to a person, only so far you can take them into your realm of understanding. The rest will have to be left for interpretaion. And it sucks that they just can't come into your ehad and just understand, just know. But we're bound to have to explain, imply. And that sprouts assumption and interpretation. The roots of evil. The cause of problems.
And it fucking SUCKS.
Worse still is that theres really nothing you can do about it. I mean, you can lead the horse to water, but you can't force it to drink. No matter how much you might try to explain and get your point across, theres just somethings that people will never seem to fully understand.
This makes express very difficult. Especially when it comes to emotions and whole hearted feelings. The failure of being able to open up stares at you in the face and you're forced to put your head down in shame of your defeat. Unable to stare back at the face of emptyness, we go back to the cave you've become so accustom to away from the light with your tail inbetween your legs and preparing for anotehr attempt at expression that you're sure to fail at.
And even so, I fail at making my point now.
I hate wierd situations.
...gah
Bye, kids. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2006|06:51 pm] |
And so once again
My dear < >, My dear friend.
And so once again you are fighting us all
And when I ask you why
You raise your sticks and cry
and I fall
Oh my friend,
we have all come to fear the beating of your drum
(APC)
You know what's funny?
God placed Adam and Eve on Earth (outside of paradise) as a punishment for eating an apple. Now so many people take life on earth to mean so much, to have have such meaning, and love everyday of it to the point of being terrified of ever leaving it (Fear of death).
Ironic
[I know there's bad parrallelism in that sentence, but I don't care. Screw you for noticing]
It sucks when you are exploding with inspiration with no means of expressing it.
Sucks even more when you can express it but supressed the inspiration so much that it's no longer there.
I want to start writing again.
I saw this Spanish commercial selling this video that teaches people to speak English. The hook went something like this, "Tired of videos that try to teach you how to speak English with professionals? Try so-and-so-product. Forget having to learn grammer! We offer full conversations that come up everyday to for you to memorize!"
Yeah, who needs grammer when you can just memorize conversations!
Having a mother fucking blast this summer, btw.
Absofuckinglutely amazing.
I need to get into UF.
And because I don't have two consecutive years of foreign language, I just might not.
And if I don't get in, then well...
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| Pardon me while I burst into flames |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|11:40 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Talk shows on mute -Incubus | ] |
I've noticed that if I go from sad to hyper quickly then I become very, very evil.
Wonder why that is...
heh
I can't stop laughing for some cynical reason
bye now |
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| They say Freak, when you singled out. |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|12:00 am] |
| [ | music |
| | David Grey- It's not easy | ] |
The red, it just filters through.
I'm not an open person. And I know that it's a major disadvantage to both people who care about me and to myself. When one person persists so much into finding out what's wrong with me, I shut down even more.
I cannot conceive of any possible reason for why a person would genuinely be kind. I know that this is extremely short sighted and very cynical, but after thinking about the subject for so long, I have found no logical reason why anyone would care about another person without an ulterior motive.
I consider myself gentleman like (Shut up); open doors, have manners, be polite, know how to conduct oneself in certain times, know what utensils to use, make the people I'm with feel comfortable.
I do this because that's just how I am. This isn't to say I was raised to do any of these things, I really wasn't. Infact, I think I picked up these things from old TV shows when I was younger. Since I didn't have anyone to model after, I would copy people on TV. And since my early childhood didn't consists of stupid cartoons that have polluted the minds of the rest of my generation, I came out (to what I like to fool myself into thinking) rather well.
And while depending on my mood I will go out of my way to help another, I don't understand why anyone would care about anothers life.
I don't care about other people. I just don't.
You know throughout middle school I tried very hard to learn to be callous. I think I finally made it there.
I don't care if you dieing, please don't tell me about it.
I don't care about what's bothering you, save it.
I'm not a doctor, don't tell me if your sick
I'm not your lover, I don't care if your not satisfied.
I have problems of my own, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.
And while my own depression might very well be hindering my ability to see things clearly and objectively, as of right now I don't understand selfless acts of kindness. If anyone could refresh my memory on humanitarianism and philanthropy, please do. I'm at a loss right now.
Oh wait, I don't care.
Took my SAT's today. Think I did rather well on the math portion. Did well on the reading. Not so good in the writing. Not my essay, but the whole correcting the sentence thing. I can pick out which sentence should be replaced by the superior one, but I can't pinpoint which exact word messes up the sentence. Frankly, I don't care.
Well that's a lie. I like English and all it's components. Even the ever dreaded grammar.
RQT:
Do you spell it grey or gray? I don't mean proper English spelling, I mean YOU.
I spell it grey. I don't care what you have to say about it.
I don't care.
Long day.
Do yourself a favor, don't watch Breakup. (the one with the ever beautiful Jennifer Anniston and the mildly retarded whatever the other guys name is)It's crap.
I can't stand to fly, I'm not that Naive. I'm just looking for the better part of me.
I need a pill. Anyone of you know anyone?
Or a hit
W/e.
Bye kids. |
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| Don't let the days go by, Glycerine |
[May. 26th, 2006|06:42 pm] |
Today was the last day of school.
I, unlike 98% of the school, actually went.
Rewind 3 months. I've been staying at school after hours because I just don't like going home. Made good friends this way, actually. Had fun times.
Fast forward yesterday. We skipped in a friends car at about 10am to another friends house. We went to rent a movie and the guy at the counter asked, "You want to watch this movie?" in a sarcastaclly inquisitive, yet rather condescending and shocked, way when he read the title, The Producers. We came out thinking he was a jackass.
We watched it and felt we owed him an apology.
Played tennis. Or a version of. Beachball replaced tenis balls. Because, well, why not?
Sometimes people really don't know when to shut their fucking face. How oblivious can one person really be? When do you know that the line between ignorance and maliciousness has been breached, especially right under our noses.
Regardless, not the point of this entry.
Today I had to say goodbye and good life to many seniors, most of which have impacted my life in a positive, constructive way. Rare times do I find it this difficult to say goodbye, and rare do I ever say goodbye knowing I will never see the person and that their absence in my daily life will put a dent in my happiness. This, friends and fiends, is one of those times. I love many of these people, and I will miss them immensely. Really sad today.
It really makes me feel like the time I spent with them was wasted, that I could have done something more productive, more memorable, just...more with them.
Oh well.
I hope they know how much they mean to me.
I hope my friends know how much they mean to me.
You know, I'm rather afraid of that. Not knowing if people get the right interpretation of me. I mean, I'm not overly expressive, and don't think I ever will be, but I hope that those around me know I love them.
See, and now I'm mushy.
Pathetic.
Night, kids |
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| Ah, youth |
[May. 10th, 2006|09:20 pm] |
[talking about what is the most important issue the country has faced this year for our final in debate class]
Me: BIRD FLU! War cry, "We're All Going to DIE!!!"
Lyssa: NAH, I WANNA DO SOMETHING EXCITING
Lyssa: NOT THAT THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC ISN'T EXCITING |
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| Finally |
[May. 10th, 2006|06:26 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Not fire alarms, that's for sure! | ] |
AP tests are finally over.
Went out with a bang too!
OK so we're told to go to the Library at 11:30am. We go and are told to eave to eat. No problem. We get to our designated testing area at 1pm. And then it starts. Someone decided that it would be a great idea to have the Navy Band come the same day as AP tests. We were placed in the band room which is about 20 feet from the auditorium. We can all hear the band and complain to the assistant principle. He comes in and has the audacity to tell us we're making a mountain out of a mound, that we AP kids exaggerate everything. He tells us to move to the cafeteria, but by then we had out tests out and it would be illegal to go out of the room with them.
So we asked him to go and turn down the volume, which they do. Except half of us can still hear it.
He comes into the room and bullys the people into agreeing to take the test with the noise.
Commented that "Men do better on tests with noise anyways."
...to a PSYCH CLASS
Idiot.
We begin anyways like 15min later. It's 2:15 now.
10 min into the test and the fire alarm goes off.
Incesently.
Someone placed a box over the blinking lights and we continue.
An anouncement.
After that we're ok, quite.
Untill after school.
The bell rings to dismiss the rest of the school and people are around the hall talking. Still not so bad.
But after school, every now and again there would be this nouse like someone is raping a cow...while ripping out it's throat, and sodomising it...
The contruction peole pound nails into the wall.
Then the fire alarm.
Other then all of that, the actual test was fairly ok. I got a 4, no doubt. I hope...
Nailed the first essay
bullshited half of the second.
50 min, can you believe that?
Everything ended at 5:30.
All I have tomorrow is Physics.
Not worth going to school, considering 2 of my periods I will be doing all of NOTHING.
While studing for the test in the morning, we had enough time to shoot a nice porno. It was educational. Don't think anyone else would ever think about making Axon Action potential and polorization this sexual.
Guess you just have to be...well...yeah
Bye kids. |
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